Sober Crush Sunday: John Chaffee!
John is a fellow Longmonter and former member of the service industry, and his experience is a great example of being desperate enough to go sober by any means necessary.
Through his commitment to being better for his children, he was able to get control of his drinking by going to a rehab program, which led to the old-school way: Alcoholics Anonymous. The twist? He’s an Atheist. His story proves that it really can take a few different methods to get sober, and that once you make it yours, it can and will work. I’m inspired by his story and excited to share it with you!
First things first: How long have you been alcohol free and what made you decide to quit?
John: My official sobriety date is May 9th 2022 so it has been 1,273 days. I was 39 when I quit and had spent most of my adult life drinking since about the age of 17. After getting divorced the previous year, I moved out on my own and basically became a professional drinker. I quit my job after getting the divorce settlement and really went off the deep end. I have 2 girls born in 2013 and 2015 who I had on the weekends at the time.
My drinking was starting to interfere with my ability to take care of them and I was starting to make bad decisions that were eventually going to lead my down the path of losing them all together. At this point I was drinking nothing but Platinum vodka double shooters and getting sick every day. It was very glamorous. I would only sober up for the weekends with my kids but would be suffering withdrawals the entire time I was with them. I was going to end up in the hospital, in jail or dead and in any of those circumstances, without my kids. I was encouraged by my Mother and family to get help.
What was your quitting strategy? How long did you think about quitting before you actually did?
J: I was fortunate enough to have a series of what some people would call miracles happen to me and ended up in a rehab program called Valiant Living. It was initially told it was just going to be 30 days but it turned into 90, which sounded like a lifetime. They had everything from therapists to counselors and even yoga classes. The most important thing that I got from the 90 day rehab program is they dragged me to my first AA meetings.
I had though about quitting over the years and had even considered going to an AA meeting, but I never went. Mostly because I had it in my head that it was a bunch of God bullshit that wasn't going to work.
I'm very interested in your experience with AA, especially since you mentioned that you are an atheist. How did you reconcile the opposing belief systems? How did AA contribute to your success?
J: Like I said, I was nothing but skeptical about AA. I remember having a conversation with the head of Valiant before going into the program about how I was an atheist and was worried that the God stuff was going to be forced down my throat. He told me to not worry about it and that it wouldn't be an issue. Yet two days later I was sitting in a church at an AA meeting wondering how the fuck did I end up here. I remember hearing the term "the gift of desperation" at that first meeting. AA is filled with little one liners and cliche sayings that you hear repeated all the time, but funny enough a lot of them end up being true later down the line. But that's what I was, I was desperate.
I remember hearing people's stories and realizing that they were just like me and hearing about how their lives had changed and it was all because of this program. At that point I realized I had to surrender everything and for the first time in over 20 years allow faith back into my life. Not faith in God but I had to have faith that if I did the things these people were telling me to do and if I did these 12 steps up on that wall that some-fucking-how I would end up like them, I'd have a chance to fix everything I had broken. So I did, I got a sponsor and a big book and I did everything that man told me to do. I did each of the twelve steps earnestly and to the best of my ability. The quitting drinking was actually the easiest part.
After that the rest of the steps are really about understanding your part in why your life is a wreck and then taking accountability for it. As far as the "God" thing goes, there are many people in AA who are referring to the Christian bearded man in the sky or Jesus etc. However, from my experience, the Big Book talks about a "higher power of your understanding" and that's what I came to have a relationship with. My higher power is going to be different than what the next guy calls his higher power and so on. I do not go to regular AA meetings anymore but I go a few times a year.
This far down the road I've come to realize that there's an energy to the universe that you can put yourself in tune with, if you don't fight it and learn to harmonize with it, your life just gets easier. I would've never found that without my journey though AA and the 12 steps. I would recommend AA for anyone from sober curious to rock bottom alcoholic. It may seem like a cult from the outside but really it is a community that will accept you no matter who you are. I would recommend any meeting at York street in Denver, you can find schedules pretty easily online and look for a meeting that says OPEN if your not ready to stand up and say "I'm John and Im an alcoholic" (they really do do that like in the movies).
You mentioned spending 20 years in the restaurant industry, which is a very alcohol-friendly culture. Do you feel that this contributed to your own alcohol habits?
J: Most definitely. The culture at 90% of restaurants is fueled and centered around alcohol and drugs. It was an endless cycle of showing up hung over , working through the day and then drinking as soon as the shift ended. When you work in kitchens most of your friends are also people you work with so if you didn't drink you had a hard time fitting in with the crowd.
Later in my career I also would drink while working when I knew I could get away with it. This made it easier for me to hide the amount I could drink in a day in my home life. When I quit the industry I had a hard time leaving those habits behind.
Most alcoholics do some pretty hardcore mental gymnastics to justify their habits, I call this "fucked up alcoholic logic." Can you give us one example of your most fucked up alcoholic logic that allowed you to feel ok about continuing to drink?
J: One of the best examples comes from the time period where drinking alcohol started making me sick. I did everything I could think of to try to help myself besides actually quitting drinking. I changed my diet, my exercise and even what I drank. This is how I eventually came to almost exclusively drink vodka. I used to also drink and drive.
I had convinced myself that as long as I was on my way home from the liquor store I could take a few shots because it wouldn't hit me until I was home, even when I was in Ft. Collins driving to Brighton.
How was your sobriety received by those around you? Did your relationships change?
J: Fortunately my closest family were nothing but supportive. In my time in my recovery program I was able to reach out to lots of old friends I had lost touch with. I had a feeling that being open and honest about my situation from the get go was the right thing to do. Then there was my ex-wife. She was understandably upset. We had had our issues while we were married with my drinking so I don't think it was any surprise that it had gotten worse after the divorce. She felt that I had put my kids in danger because I was drinking during the times when I was in charge of them, which did happen. I always felt that I was doing it in a safe way because we would be in for the night or I wasn't needing to drive anywhere, etc. In retrospect I see how truly dangerous this was and it was one of the things I realized was getting out of hand that made me want to quit.
Early on in AA I read a story in the big book about how an alcoholic is like a tornado. It basically says that although you've stopped drinking the damage you have done is still there and needs to be repaired. I am so grateful that I was going through that program and coming to terms with my ex's feelings at the same time because I think I would've handled it in a different way. She had every right to be mad at me and I needed to earn back her trust. Over the months and years that came I was able to do that by maintaining my sobriety and becoming the father I always should have been for my kids. Here's another AA cliche for you, nothing changes if nothing changes.
What was the most unexpected benefit to being alcohol free?
J: A few weeks before leaving my 90 day program I was offered a job. It was in an industry I have never been in and knew nothing about. Fortunately during covid I finished my BA and was able to meet the requirements to get hired. My boss was a good friend of my Brother In-Law and I knew he was taking a risk hiring me.
This was the first job in my life that I have showed up every day sober. It is the most mentally and physically demanding job I have ever had but has also been the most fulfilling and rewarding. If I had gotten hired when I was still drinking I wouldn't have lasted a month. I am now 3.5 years into it and for the first time in my life I love going to work every day.
It can be hard to start feeling all of the emotions that come up once alcohol is not there to push them back down. Was this your experience, and how did you handle facing those challenges?
J: This may sound odd coming from an atheist, but prayer and meditation got me though the first few years. In AA they tell you to just pray, they have lots of little prayers you can use that are written all over the walls. So like I said before I was willing to try anything and I started praying.
What I came to realize is those prayers were a way to focus my mind, to create a mental heading for where I wanted to go. In my time in Valiant we also learned a lot of meditation techniques which I still use to this day. My perspective in life has been altered in the last 3.5 years. Instead of why is this happening to me I think, what am I doing or not doing that is making this happen.
What would you tell someone who is struggling to start or maintain their sobriety?
J: Don't be afraid or ashamed to ask for help. Alcoholism is a lonely disease that wants you to be alone. I never realized how many people there were that are just like me, struggling with the same exact problems as I have. AA is a great place to start although I agree that it is not for everybody.